Aquarii
After being abducted by two aliens, their spaceship crashes and leaves you stranded on a galaxy called 'Aquarii", which is populated by a species called 'Mitans'.
You're taken in by the Queen of Aquarii, where she reveals you are a child of one of Aquarii's gods. A cool idea in theory, but it appears the Mitan's aren't particularly happy with a human being half-god.
The queen believes that your arrival is a sign an upcoming war between Mitans and gods can be prevented, while others believe this war is inevitable.
As you are forced to fight for your right to live, you're left with one question:
Can a universe survive without gods?
Choose your pronouns, sexuality, and appearance.
Join forces with an unusual group of aliens with unique features.
Choose between five RO's, two female, two male, and one non-binary option.
Become a demigod and pick one of twelve gods to be the child of.
Deal with a strange device that has been turned against you and the Mitans (along with the alien that built it).
And fight an emperor!
Liviana Vlahos, The Queen (she/her)- The queen of Aquarii and all Mitans, she is beloved by all her people for defeating the tyrant who ruled before her. She was kind enough to lend her hand in your time of need, but it's hard to tell if she genuinely cares for you. If you don't prove to be helpful, she may just throw you into the fray.
Estelle Alinac, The Chief (she/her)- The chief of the Justice Association of Aquarii, Estelle is known to be a cold and intimidating woman. She doesn't like you, or humans, and makes that abundantly clear every time you talk to her.
Amare Mailon, The Recruit (he/him)- A new member of the Justice Association of Aquarii, Amare can appear quite naive and unserious. With others, he's sarcastic and witty, but with you, he's nervous and paranoid. Being a member of the JAA, anyone would assume he's just worried about something happening to you. But you know from the way his eyes flick to your arms and legs that the fear runs deeper. You can't tell which matters more to him; stopping a war, or preventing humans from finding Aquarii. Ellery Torres, The Doctor (he/him)- Liviana's personal doctor and the most renowned doctor in the galaxy, Ellery appears as someone you can trust. He can make you feel at ease with his playful humor and light-hearted personality. He has sworn to the queen that he will do everything in his power to keep you alive and healthy. He doesn't appear threatening, but who can you trust in this unknown galaxy?
???, The Mastermind (they/them)- Not much is known about the one who lives in the apartment on Fiery Pass, but it's kind of weird how they never turn their purple lights out...
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Comments
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Not a bad start, but if I'm honest the story lacks life and flow - there are far too many info dumps along the way that you could work into the story more organically. There's a saying 'show, don't tell' used for writing, which means wherever possible show what it is you want to describe to the reader in action, rather than narrating about it. For example, rather then describing the throne at length when MC walks into the throne room, you can have the queen sit on it and interact with it and MC observes it that way, or maybe there are servants polishing it or such - this makes the info deliverance more dynamic.
But this is especially applicable to introducing new characters. Rather than describing every detail of their face & body, instead describe the most notable, important features - the things that immediately strike the MC when they see them. For example, if a person is half-machine, you're going to notice that far more than their hair and eyes color. You can of course mention other details when the character pushes back their curls or winks their sparkling [color] eye, or has a habit of sniffing a lot, body language, etc, but work it into the character's interaction with the world. The MC might stare at a certain feature and that could make the characters feel some sort of way, or another character could warn the MC about something notable about the character before/during meeting them. Maybe the MC meets them in an unusual way, or they say or do something strange or noteworthy that shows their personality. This serves to makes the characters more engaging from the moment you meet them and allows the reader to start deciding how they feel about a character from the first word.
Also, when you introduced the first two friendly characters, Estell and Amare, at no point do they tell the MC (or the reader) their names, yet they're narrated by their names the page after they appear. I was wondering who tf they were until I came back here and read the RO section.
Another thing that's really, really important, you need to think of this from the MC's/readers POV, not your own writer's POV. If I woke up on a strange ship about to be experimented upon, some time should be taken to show the MC's confusion, panic, fear, helplessness, etc about waking up in some foreign place. If this isn't their first time waking up on the ship (if they're in-and-out of consciousness), then you can narrate it with a bit more awareness, since it's not all new (but still frightening, etc). For a decent chunk of the start of the story MC should not be comfortable with their surroundings if it's brand new and completely alien from anything they knew. MC might stare at species they've never seen, act erratically or irrationally, etc. As it is right now, MC accepts all this new stuff as if it's just another day. Even when MC is told they're a demi-god it's like being told it's raining outside, when instead it should be one of, it not THE, most earth-shattering revelations they'll ever hear: their entire identity has just shifted, and everything they thought they knew about themselves. You need to take a little bit of time with such huge moment.
NOTE: If MC hasn't been abducted from earth, you need to work how they got to be there, or what they remember of it, into the introduction, unless they have no memory of where they came from before they were on the experimentation table.
In short, you need to step into the shoes of your characters when you write them, FULLY, including the MC. Forget what you know about the world and characters as it's writer, and just focus on what that single character knows, and how they would feel in the given situation. It will makes your writing a lot more dynamic and captivating.
I hope this helps a little! Good luck!
Thank you for all the notes! I am aware that I tend to overdescribe things, but your tips are really helpful! I'll make sure to take note of that and work on rewriting a bit of the description scenes.
I am also aware that the MC currently does not have a lot of reactions to the situation that they're in. In truth, I wanted to focus more on exposition in the prologue and first chapter. But after reading your review, I do recognize that I may have overdone it with the explanations, I did want to have some things explained earlier because this does take place another another galaxy with a new species, so I wanted to give some context to readers so things made a bit of sense.
But, I can look back through the story and try to incorporate scenes that answer these questions indirectly.
Also, thank you for alerting me that I did not introduce Estelle and Amare during their introduction scenes, I'll go back and fix that.
Your feedback is much appreciated! Hopefully, you can see some changes when chapter two comes out.
No problem, I'm glad it could be some use to you. The things I've mentioned are all things I myself learned as a writer, but trust me, it makes a world of difference to the writing. :)
When it comes to exposition, the best thing to do is give it in small doses - never go heavy on it if you can help it. The reason for this is the reader will skip all those details you so badly want to tell them. They won't even do it consciously, it just won't hold their attention so their brain will just skip it. I'm genuinely warning you about this because it's the biggest reason a person will stop reading a story and not pick it back up: even if you plan to take a different route a few chapters in, none of that will matter if the reader has already stopped reading. So try to get out of that habit as quickly as you can. Feed them info/lore strictly on a need-to-know basis, and wherever possible do it via 'show, don't tell'; via the MC experiencing it first- or second-hand.
Example, don't have the MC asking about some species they've never met unless there is a reason they need to know. The MC in your story is already dealing with so much, they're not gonna care about the lore of the place until it's an immediate concern - right now they're probably trying to get their head around what the hell they're doing on that spaceship and who the hell all these weird aliens are and how to feel about it all. One thing at a time.
The best way to give info about a species is when it becomes imperative that they needs to know: when it becomes personal to them, when it's important for survival. This might happen if the MC has to deal with that species one-on-one and doesn't want to mess up, or if they make a friend of that species. Conversely, if you give the reader the option not to ask about further info on a species, say if the player's MC isn't the sort to care enough, or asks someone who can't be bothered informing them, it can cause a diplomatic incident, which can be fun for drama in an alternate path.
One final hint I'll give for dynamic writing is using the character's senses: smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing. When you (or a character, in this case) enter a new and unfamiliar place, what immediately strikes your senses. What sounds do you hear? Is there a smell or smells? What are your eyes drawn to? Is there a smell so strong you can actually taste it?
Obviously you don't have to go into every single detail because that would be overkill, just pick what most stands out to the senses. The exception to this is if the experience is supposed to be overwhelming for the character's senses and you want to convey that to reader, than you can over-describe a little more (often in a rapid fashion as it gives the feeling of your senses being overloaded as you experience one thing after another).
In short, there will be senses that jump out at you, because they're alien. Even revisiting a scene, something may have changed, and if it's pertinent to the story, it's worth mentioning it.
And of course, and important thing to consider with all these senses is, how does it makes the character feel? For example, a busy market with so many of their sense being bombarded might give a sense of excitement to one character (to explore, if the character hasn't had much freedom), but to another it might make them want to hide or get as far away as possible (if they're afraid of crowds, have a particular condition, or a trauma of some sort).
A dark, alien room with strange lights and foreign objects might give a great sense of unease, or it could make the MC or other characters who are more adventurous or technically-minded, curious to explore.
This of course depends on the character's personality and experiences. You can dictate that for all of the characters in the game, but for the MC, give he player as much chance as possible to convey how something makes THEIR character feel, or how they act toward it, with choices. Let them shape their character's personality through each experience. It makes it very immersive and give the reader a sense of ownership and investment in their character.
And with all of this, remember, 'show, don't tell'. If they walk into that creepy alien room and feel deeply weirded out, don't tell the reader that the character(s) feel creeped out, convey it. Example, they might get goosebumps on their arms, might freeze up, muscles tense, might go quiet or stutter or give a high-pitched laugh, or makes excuses to leave, or physically leave the room. Depending on the character, they probably will have different reactions. You don;'t have to go nuts with this, but it's a good way to give the reader the sense of how they should also feel about this environment (since they're experiencing it through the characters). Or perhaps how they choose not to feel because something about their characters is different (perhaps brave and adventurous, or overly naive and curious).
Anyway, I realise that's all a lot to take in, but yeah, hope it helps you out. :)
now this is what i call constructive criticism
im taking notes rn LOLLL
Great concept! I will be anxiously waiting for your next update.
I absolutely fucking loveed this so much!!! ♥️😭🙈
Thank youuuu!!! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. ♥️